Urgent Need, The Great Humidifyer Search, And Why I'm Never Asked Out On a Date

When I last left you, I was soon to be leaving work and in need of a bathroom. I had every intention of going on my way out, but failed miserably. If you haven't caught on by now, I'm awkward. It's just a gift. A cursed gift.

I was going to try and describe for you the set-up of my building, but since I am also gifted with cursed descriptive skills, I'm just going to draw a lil' somethin' in paint.

Okay, so maybe the drawing didn't turn out quite as well as I'd hoped

 So let me go back a bit and explain that there is one attractive guy at work. One. O-n-e. He is cute. I am also fairly certain nothing will come of my having noticed his physical attractiveness, but I still feel like a fool around him. As I am wont to do.

Yesterday, when I left at 4:30pm, he was hydrating himself at the bubbler. Yes. I am from Massachusetts. Good detective skills.

Anyway, there he was, and there I was. I made eye-contact and smiled, in a rare show of put-together-ness (I really wish dictionary.com had a reverse search option).

As we have already covered, as I was leaving work today I was in dire need of the rest room. I came through the double doors on my way to relief only to see him AGAIN at the bubbler. Second day in a row! The only logical conclusion is that he timed his H2O intake around my schedule so he could see me again. Anything else just doesn't make sense. Like, he couldn't possibly have just randomly been thirsty two days in a row at the exact same time as I was leaving. He couldn't possibly be concerned about the environment enough to opt to use the bubbler instead of the un-biodegradable styrofoam cups in the cafeteria. He probably isn't trying to flush his system in order to pass a drug test. He probably isn't trying to lose weight, or cure his urinary tract infection (do guys get those?). I'm also going to go out on a limb here and say he isn't suffering from water intoxication, or mental problems. Therefore, it's obviously me!

So there he is, bent over at the water fountain (he has a really nice butt, not that I was looking). Just as he is turning around and I am realizing it's him, two people come through the "other" door on the left (I really have no idea where that door goes). My brain suddenly starts screaming "ABORT! ABORT!" and though I badly have to go to the bathroom, I obey. 

Everything was timed out perfectly. Had I tried to make it in front of the two randoms coming out of the other door, I would've awkwardly cut them off. The speed cute-guy was turning and walking at I would've either run into him quite literally while trying to swiftly cut across the other two, or stood there awkwardly waiting for them to pass and just looked like a weirdo who forgot how her legs worked.

Unfortunately for me I needed to go to the mall and Target before going home. Which meant I had to hold my necessity in for another two hours. TWO HOURS, people! I know, I could have gone at Target or the mall. But I dislike using public bathrooms normally, let alone when it's gasp! number two. So I suffered. I suffered so that cute guy didn't think I was awkward, weird, or about to go poo. All unacceptable but completely true things. He and I just aren't at that stage in our relationship yet.

After that near brush with awkwardness, I headed on over to Target. I was on a mission. I needed a humidifier and nothing was going to stand in my way!

Almost an hour later, searching high and low, I walked out of there the proud owner of...a Camelbak water bottle!!

 

 Oooh, preeeettyyy!

I looked everywhere! I first went to look by the vacuums. For some strange reason  was convinced that is  where they keep them. I was wrong. I looked down every aisle. I even remembered to look in the "Home Improvement" section that I always, without fail forget exists. They had humidifier filters but no humidifiers. I finally found one, though. In the baby section. Guys, for the record, I am not a baby. And anything that says "safe" on it, you can bet I won't be able to operate. So I left without it. Also, it was 30 dollars.

I am cheap. Now you know. I would rather suffer a bloody snotty booger nose than spend 30$ on a safe baby humidifier.

Which brings me to my next story. They actually aren't even a little bit related, but I'm not good at segues.

My friend Wife's sister is trying to set me up with a guy. I know, right? Awkward! But that's not all! Oooh no! Let me describe him a tad and see if you have the same reaction I did:

He's eight years older than me, and...

...he's recently divorced.

Oi. Also, I creeped him on facebook. I did not find him particularly attractive. I know, I know, that is SO shallow, and I'm judging a book by it's cover, yadda, blah, blah, yadda! I agree. He could be the sweetest guy in the world. Wife said he is probably looking for something serious, marriage, kids, the whole American Dream. Which, right now, to me, is the American Nightmare.

I am currently trying to figure what the heck I want to do with my life. That means it's me time. I need to focus on myself in order to find what makes me happy, and what I want to put time and energy into accomplishing. It's selfish time.

Does that mean I am opposed to relationships at this point? No. (Did you get that Cut-bubbler-lovin'-co-worker??) Not opposed. But they aren't a priority. I seriously have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, and here I am, growed up, and a relationship is just going to confuse the issue. 

Did I mention I don't want kids? Like, not even a little bit. If I ever change my mind, because I allow that it is vaguely possible it could happen, I will adopt. But this whole pregnancy schtick just ain't for me. If my husband or baby daddy wants to carry and birth this thing, then hey, go for it! You can also be on diaper duty while we're at it. Otherwise, my uterus is closed for business.

So anyway, you see my dilemma. Especially when Wife's sister then sends out a facebook message to me, this Divorcee and about 3 other people I know, asking if we'd all go to a party if she threw one. A thinly veiled, yet totally obvious ploy to have us both "randomly" meet and have things between us evolve "organically."

Double oi!

I completely ignored the message. I feel bad because apparently the Divorcee and the Sister are both dogging Wife for my phone number. It is a test of our friendship that she is holding out so strongly. No wonder I love her!

And no wonder I'm single.

I realize this one post could've been three different posts, but, honestly? I don't have the patience. Hence three posts in one day.

You're welcome.

Update 2/19/11: Apparently cute thirsty dude was just a thirsty dude. After that I never saw him again. Sigh. I should've told him I could be his tall drink of water.