Roommate Commandments, or Why I'll Probably Lose all My Friends

I love my roommate, don't get me wrong. But...our friendship is young and untested. It can't take knocks or punches at it's fledgling stage. And I value our friendship enough not to destroy it with my anal retentive compulsions. However, our living situation has helped me form a list of commandments my next lucky roommate will have to swear to live by before we take up co-habitation together. This code is sacred. Since I don't actually have the power to condemn souls to hell, breaking this code will incur a more worldly punishment. Perhaps hug witholding, or maybe even joke ruining. Yes. I mean business.

The Commandments:

Thou shalt do thy dishes.

Thou shalt not leave a gargantuan dish monster in the sink. It will eat our sponge. It will prevent us from fitting anything under the faucet. For instance: the coffee pot. The coffee in the morning is essential.

Thou shalt not prevent the coffee!

Thou shalt not sauce the ceiling.

If thou shouldst sauce the ceiling, thou shalt make every reasonable effort to de-sauce the ceiling.

Thou shalt not make wrongful use of the hand and dish towels. They are for the purpose of drying ones hands and wet dishes, but never the floor.

Thou shalt not dispose of trash in a non-bag-lined trash receptacle.

If thou shouldst accidentally dispose of trash in a non-bag-lined trash receptacle, thou shalt remove trash from said receptacle, acquire bag, put bag in receptacle, and re-dispose of trash.

Thou shalt dispose of recyclables properly (as available), lest Mother Nature blight you at will.

Thou shalt not consume another’s consumables without seeking proper permission first.

If thou shouldst consume another’s consumables without seeking proper permission first, thou shalt replace said consumables forthwith.

Thou shalt not leave possession piles in common areas, save as a way station, from whence they shall be moved posthaste.

Thou shalt not harbor resentment.

If thou shouldst feel resentment thou shalt speak directly to the offending party. The offender shall listen with open mind, and not take that which is said as a personal attack.

Thou shalt not personally attack another…unless it is with hugs.

Thou shalt care for thine own four-legged, two-legged, or no-legged animal charges, mammalian, reptilian, or that which has yet to be recognized by science. Failure to do so will be met with the evil eye and much scorn. Repeat offenses garner a more serious punishment, to be decided by those in residence.

There shall be no animal charges allowed with greater than four legs.

Thou shalt recognize personal hygiene and thou shalt make it a daily habit, lest ye be shunned or made a spectacle.

Thou shalt not disturb the peace, most of all in the night times, unless thou art beset by rampaging illness or elephants and require immediate assistance.

These commandments are subject to change at random will, or as new and sundry personal habits and behaviours are unearthed and recognized as unlivable. Participation may not vary. All housed under this roof, within these walls, and behind this front door shall abide by or be subject to penalties and consequences found to be of equal or greater value to original offense. These include, but are not limited to: one-sided tickle fights, and surprise dutch ovens. Termination fees and charges may apply. See your carrier for details.

This will either be the answer to all future roommate problems ever, or I will eventually loose all of my friends. Which, I guess is kind of the same thing.