Butt Kicking Women Should Always Cover Their Butt. Literally.

I went to the movies during my trip to NY to see The Adjustment Bureau. It was pretty much my perfect love story. Now, don't get me wrong, I love me some Love Actually, but mush like The Notebook isn't really my thing. This had action, undeniable chemistry, and the kind of love you hope for. The love that scales tall buildings and defies all odds and forces set against it. Oh, and also Matt Damon (That's my kinda love! Matt, call me!). But I digress. That's not the movie I want to discuss here, though I did absolutely love it.

I'm really here to talk about a preview I saw for the upcoming movie, Sucker Punch.

I apologize if the video doesn't work. I've never actually done this before. If not, you could follow this link (I think) to see the trailer in all it's dismal being.

My first impression?

Words cannot express 

I almost can't believe this is a movie. Almost. But then I think about how, for many of the male comic-con attending set and their older brethren, this is probably their wet-dream. A bunch of scantily clad teenage girls battling and kicking anything's ass that gets in their way. And if the creature doesn't happen to have an ass? Well they're going to chop off it's head and shove it right back down it's neck, that's what they're gonna do.

Really?

I love movies where women get to kick ass. Especially when it's physically. Maybe it's only because I have a hard time ripping open plastic soy sauce packets and thusly get to live vicariously through their amped-up, adrenaline-blasting adventures on screen. I mean, imagine how many things - jars, bottles, pull-top cans! - I could open if I was that strong! I know they aren't realistic, or something to aspire to. I will never in a million years take out the Russian organization that trained me from youth to be a sleeper spy/assassin in the United States. Mostly because that never happened. But also for the same reason I like these films - because I struggle opening flimsy "30% Less Plastic!" water bottles.

That's part of the reason I loved the movie Salt so much. One, because I have a giant gushing girl cruch on Angelina Jolie (Angie, call me!), and two, because she kept her clothes on (at least, as far as I can remember. I had to close my eyes for all the scary spider parts).

I think that's why I always had a hard time with comics and all that superhero schtick. Have you seen the female superhero's costumes? Have you?

To quote a short lived TV show I adored, "Sure, I wanted to be a superhero when I was a kid. But only the guy superheroes got cool costumes. Massive capes, scary masks and stuff. All Wonder Woman got were hooker boots and a bathing suit. What the f*ck was that about?" (George Lass from Dead Like Me). A serious question I think deserves an answer.

And here is my best guess. Wonder Woman looks like a a cross between Rainbow Brite and a dominatrix because the people creating these characters had penises. That's it. I suppose it's kind of obvious, but it's still pretty annoying. Where are our B.A. superheroines?

I couldn't tell you. Off the top of my head I think of Wonder Woman...and then all I can think of are supervillains. Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, Mystique. All you comic-book nerds don't get your superman panties in a twist. I was never into comic books so, granted, my scope is limited. I readily admit that. But dang! There are how many male superheroes and villains that come to mind? Even with my lack of comic knowledge! That certainly says something. 

I will say my favorite superheroine was definitely Rogue from the X-Men (whom I really only know about because of the kids cartoon show from the 90s. We weren't allowed to watch Saved By the Bell. I know! Cruel!)

I also had a crush on her love interest, Gambit (yes, I had a crush on a cartoon character. Hush!):

What can I say? I love me some electrified 500 Rummy!

And while the fact that Rogue wore a skin tight body suit didn't dissuade me from being her for Halloween one year, she is still at least wearing clothing. Unlike the Sucker Punch girls who look like they were on their way to a Catholic School girl convention when their bus was ambushed by ninjas and the apocolypse hit, forcing them to put down their lollipops and take up arms. Well, except for the girl on the right:

She's good at multitasking.

Anyway. I won't be seeing this movie.

Maybe I'll just don my own costume and be the superheroine I always wanted to see.

We make spandex look good