Thanks, But No Thanks: Why I Won't Have Children.

People always seem to be amazed when they find out that I do not want children. Hell, that I don't even like children.

I don't really see why this is so surprising. It's no secret that I don't like people either. But at least most people are capable of using a toilet and maintaining their own personal hygeine. Even pets, who are arguably just as needy as children, if not moreso, lick themselves clean! I like that kind of self reliance in a mammal.

I am sure, to many, not having children is a selfish decision. To them I say: wah, wah, wah! Cry about it, already.

I like my independence, and I am very aware that once you procreate, you lose your independence. You know those De Beers advertisements? "A diamond is forever"? Well, for starters, they clearly haven't been informed that divorce is legal, but this famous line lends itself well to what really is forever. Children. Children are forever. Screaming, theiving, pooping children! Forever!

I'm not hugely into forever. I like options. I like freedom. I like my me time, my down time, my free time, my do-whatever-you-please time. I like time. I like me. I like me having time. A child would take away my time, and in many ways, my 'me.' My past experiences with people encroaching on either of those things, is not unlike those weird, spongey animals in little capsules you put in glasses of water that grow 1000x their original size. Except instead of little spongey animal capsules, it's resentment. And, unlike the little spongey animal capsules, you can't throw it out when it's finished growing and gets all slimey and covered in human hair and animal fur. So, nay sayers, do you really think it's fair to raise a child in an atmosphere of resentment and animal fur? No. I know you don't. Though, since you're nay sayers, I am sure you continue to nay say anyway.

But I am clearly doing my unfertilized egg children a favor.

Wait, though! There are more reasons I chose to not conceive and produce tiny little crying, peeing me's:

1. Pregnancy.
Seriously, who came up with this idea? Why couldn't we be more like fish? The female fishes produce eggs outside their bodies and the men folk just sort of spray the area with their gametes, fertilizing the eggs all willy-nilly like.This sounds like a good deal to me. As it is, being pregnant for nine, yes, nine whole months, while something feeds off your body, growing inside of you...well, it freaks me out! What's that you say? Creating life is a magical experience? No. It's pasaritism, is what it is. I understand we as a species need to procreate to ensure our presence on earth, but you can count me out. Pregnancy reminds me of that Korn video with the whatever-the-heck-it-was crawling under everyone's skin. That's not even that much of an exaggeration of how I feel.

2. Birth.
The ripping, and the bleeding, and tearing, and the cutting, and the screaming, and the paining, and the potential-hip-breaking, and the whoo-ha-out-for-the-world-of-doctors-and-nurses-to-be-seeing, and the pushing, and the breathing, and the WHOLE birthing-doing is just not high up on my to-do list. In fact, it isn't even on it at all. It's actually on my "Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever do this EVER" list. Right along with sticking my hand in a bonfire and playing catch with a bee's nest.

3. Excremement
How do thy excrete? Let me count the ways! Poo, spit, spit-up, vomit, snot streams, snot bubbles, snot sprays, more poo, poop, pee, pee, and more pee. A friend has a 2 year old, and was babysitting an infant, and, over the course of maybe 8 hours...she was peed on twice. Twice! That's more than I want to ever be peed on in my life, let alone one day. Game over.

4. Volume Control
They don't have it.

5. Listening and Comprehension Skills.
They don't have it.

6. Patience.
I don't have it.

And that is why I will never have children.

What if I change my mind, you ask? In that highly unlikely scenario, I would adopt. Because I will probably be 65, and need someone to pay for my nursing home in ten years. Hey, you always gotta plan ahead.