Roommate Commandments, or Why I'll Probably Lose all My Friends

I love my roommate, don't get me wrong. But...our friendship is young and untested. It can't take knocks or punches at it's fledgling stage. And I value our friendship enough not to destroy it with my anal retentive compulsions. However, our living situation has helped me form a list of commandments my next lucky roommate will have to swear to live by before we take up co-habitation together. This code is sacred. Since I don't actually have the power to condemn souls to hell, breaking this code will incur a more worldly punishment. Perhaps hug witholding, or maybe even joke ruining. Yes. I mean business.

The Commandments:

Thou shalt do thy dishes.

Thou shalt not leave a gargantuan dish monster in the sink. It will eat our sponge. It will prevent us from fitting anything under the faucet. For instance: the coffee pot. The coffee in the morning is essential.

Thou shalt not prevent the coffee!

Thou shalt not sauce the ceiling.

If thou shouldst sauce the ceiling, thou shalt make every reasonable effort to de-sauce the ceiling.

Thou shalt not make wrongful use of the hand and dish towels. They are for the purpose of drying ones hands and wet dishes, but never the floor.

Thou shalt not dispose of trash in a non-bag-lined trash receptacle.

If thou shouldst accidentally dispose of trash in a non-bag-lined trash receptacle, thou shalt remove trash from said receptacle, acquire bag, put bag in receptacle, and re-dispose of trash.

Thou shalt dispose of recyclables properly (as available), lest Mother Nature blight you at will.

Thou shalt not consume another’s consumables without seeking proper permission first.

If thou shouldst consume another’s consumables without seeking proper permission first, thou shalt replace said consumables forthwith.

Thou shalt not leave possession piles in common areas, save as a way station, from whence they shall be moved posthaste.

Thou shalt not harbor resentment.

If thou shouldst feel resentment thou shalt speak directly to the offending party. The offender shall listen with open mind, and not take that which is said as a personal attack.

Thou shalt not personally attack another…unless it is with hugs.

Thou shalt care for thine own four-legged, two-legged, or no-legged animal charges, mammalian, reptilian, or that which has yet to be recognized by science. Failure to do so will be met with the evil eye and much scorn. Repeat offenses garner a more serious punishment, to be decided by those in residence.

There shall be no animal charges allowed with greater than four legs.

Thou shalt recognize personal hygiene and thou shalt make it a daily habit, lest ye be shunned or made a spectacle.

Thou shalt not disturb the peace, most of all in the night times, unless thou art beset by rampaging illness or elephants and require immediate assistance.

These commandments are subject to change at random will, or as new and sundry personal habits and behaviours are unearthed and recognized as unlivable. Participation may not vary. All housed under this roof, within these walls, and behind this front door shall abide by or be subject to penalties and consequences found to be of equal or greater value to original offense. These include, but are not limited to: one-sided tickle fights, and surprise dutch ovens. Termination fees and charges may apply. See your carrier for details.

This will either be the answer to all future roommate problems ever, or I will eventually loose all of my friends. Which, I guess is kind of the same thing.

What's that you say? Put a lid on it!

This weekend, my family and I were in Maine for my Aunt's wedding! It was a really beautiful ceremony (even if my mother and I did crack up hysterically while attempting to sing the hymn) and a gorgeous day! My aunt was stunning, and you could tell she and her groom were both immensely happy. We danced, we ate, we talked, we sang, we drank, we goofed- It was a great time! Congratulations to you both, Aunt and Nuncle (New-Uncle)!

Wedding Re-Cap, or what I learned during a day with my family by the sea:

• My bride-aunt knows who the Squirrel Nut Zippers are and had the DJ play one of their songs. I was pleased!
• One of my non-bride aunts was poisoned by her food. Or poison.
•  My cousin thinks I am a lesbian. This is probably due to the fact that I didn't pop out a baby as soon as uterinely possible. So, upon her inquisition, I made sure to tell her I was. She probably believed me.
• Old people are great dancers.
• Old people are less good at dancing to "Staying Alive" by the BeeGees.
• Lobster crostini are always a good idea. Unless they've been poisoned.
• Gazpacho is ga-sucky and ga-salsa.
• It is possible to do the scissor dance move in heels.
• Wedges distribute body weight more evenly over grass, and will thusly prevent high heels from sinking into the earth. To achieve the opposite effect: wear any other type of high heel.
• White boys can dance.
• If there is a wedding and I am invited, no matter where it is, there will be a motorcycle rally immediately after that will impede all traffic flow.
• And finally, love brings people together. Even family.

All You Need is Love

Well, folks, it has come and it has gone...

My friend Wife got married!! Huzzah! Wife, English, I wish you both the happiest of lives! I know you've found everything you'll ever need within each other. I love you!

I am also happy to report that it passed without incident! Well, unless you count my minor 2nd degree burn a la curling iron (it itches like hell!). I had been afraid seeing my ex-boyfriend, Voldemort, with his new girlfriend, Bellatrix Lestrange, would be hard and a bit emotional. But guess what? I was as cool as a cucumber! Nary an emotional hair stirred! Double huzzah!

I will recount all the good, the better, and the awkward as soon as I have a little bit more time on my hands. It really was a beautiful day. I have never been happier for my two friends. I am so glad I could be there to witness and be a part of their special day. They truly are the luckiest.

For Your Enjoyment: Impending Doom

Tomorrow is a very big day. It's practically obese it's so big. My beautiful, intelligent, humorous, sassy friend, Wife, is getting married!! (ed note: I call her 'Wife" not because of her upcoming nuptials, but, long story short, because I once promised to marry her on 11/11/11.)

It's a truly momentous occasion! And really flippin' weird! She'll be the first of my friends to wed. It freaks me the heck out, but only in the happiest, most supportive of ways.

This day would be immense enough on it's own, were it not for one teensy, tiny, what-were-you-thinking, the-universe-must-really-hate-me, reason. The groom, English (so called due to a certain two year old's inability to properly pronounce his name), just so happens to have a younger brother...that I may or may not have dated for five and a half months, right up until I was unceremoniously dumped...on his birthday. Needless to say, after not having to see or interact with him for a year, I am not very enthusiastic about seeing him, or his new girlfriend. But, thankfully, my dear friend India (she spent a year teaching in India. It was either that or something inappropriately referencing her rather voluptious chest) will be accompanying me to this event! Her mission, as she chose to accept it, is to keep me distracted, and put togehter at all times, by whatever means necessary. She will be my glue and I will be her popsicle stick art.

Still, it doesn't take Miss Cleo to figure out I'm in for a bumpy ride. I am sure there will be many an awkward moment, punctuated by potentially humiliating word vomit and emotional sewage.

I may have patched the leak and repaired the water damage, but even the most well-mended may break when tested by pressure for the first time after being busted. And I'm not one to call a plumber either; I'm real a DIY-er. Well, unless you count electrical tape, a wrench, piping, and caulk. They helped me more than they even know. Because...they're...inanimate objects? Uh, I fear this analogy has gone too far. It's so convluted it could even be likened to a clogged drain. Am I right, or am I right, eh? Ahem. We might need roto-rooter for this one...badum-ch!

Anyway, folks, stay tuned! Sh*t's about to get real!

Three Dog Night

I'm sure many of you know the band Three Dog Night. Did you know their band name is a temperature scale for measuring how cold it is? It's so cold, you need three dogs in the bed to keep you warm, that's how cold it is!

I was thinking about this, and whether there is a similar a measure for heat? As I was getting ready for work in the morning, sweating, despite having three fans trained directly on me (and this before it was even 8am!), it dawned on me...

Just How Hot IS it??

One Tissue Face:

Is it so hot that you could apply a tissue to the lower half of your disgustingly sweaty face and successfully pull off a bank heist in the wild, wild west? Or could you perform emergency surgery in a bus terminal taking proper sanitary precautions with your makeshift, stuck-on face mask? If you answered yes to either of these, then it's a one tissue face day!

Two Tissue Face:

Is it so unbearably hot out that you could apply TWO tissues to your face and successfully complete a move to Iran without being stoned? Or could you go to a costume party as a mental patient peering out of their door's rectangular observation window from their padded room? If you answered yes to either of these, it's a two tissue face day today! Ooo-wee! Now that's toasty, people!

Variation:

One Tissue Face Variation:

Is it so hot out that you can slap a tissue to your forehead and travel to the nearest school cafeteria and, with no formal training, still be following health regulations by covering your hair? Then it is again a one tissue face day!! And can I get a yay for being sanitary AND resourceful? Yay! I bet McGuyver never thought of this!

Thanks, But No Thanks: Why I Won't Have Children.

People always seem to be amazed when they find out that I do not want children. Hell, that I don't even like children.

I don't really see why this is so surprising. It's no secret that I don't like people either. But at least most people are capable of using a toilet and maintaining their own personal hygeine. Even pets, who are arguably just as needy as children, if not moreso, lick themselves clean! I like that kind of self reliance in a mammal.

I am sure, to many, not having children is a selfish decision. To them I say: wah, wah, wah! Cry about it, already.

I like my independence, and I am very aware that once you procreate, you lose your independence. You know those De Beers advertisements? "A diamond is forever"? Well, for starters, they clearly haven't been informed that divorce is legal, but this famous line lends itself well to what really is forever. Children. Children are forever. Screaming, theiving, pooping children! Forever!

I'm not hugely into forever. I like options. I like freedom. I like my me time, my down time, my free time, my do-whatever-you-please time. I like time. I like me. I like me having time. A child would take away my time, and in many ways, my 'me.' My past experiences with people encroaching on either of those things, is not unlike those weird, spongey animals in little capsules you put in glasses of water that grow 1000x their original size. Except instead of little spongey animal capsules, it's resentment. And, unlike the little spongey animal capsules, you can't throw it out when it's finished growing and gets all slimey and covered in human hair and animal fur. So, nay sayers, do you really think it's fair to raise a child in an atmosphere of resentment and animal fur? No. I know you don't. Though, since you're nay sayers, I am sure you continue to nay say anyway.

But I am clearly doing my unfertilized egg children a favor.

Wait, though! There are more reasons I chose to not conceive and produce tiny little crying, peeing me's:

1. Pregnancy.
Seriously, who came up with this idea? Why couldn't we be more like fish? The female fishes produce eggs outside their bodies and the men folk just sort of spray the area with their gametes, fertilizing the eggs all willy-nilly like.This sounds like a good deal to me. As it is, being pregnant for nine, yes, nine whole months, while something feeds off your body, growing inside of you...well, it freaks me out! What's that you say? Creating life is a magical experience? No. It's pasaritism, is what it is. I understand we as a species need to procreate to ensure our presence on earth, but you can count me out. Pregnancy reminds me of that Korn video with the whatever-the-heck-it-was crawling under everyone's skin. That's not even that much of an exaggeration of how I feel.

2. Birth.
The ripping, and the bleeding, and tearing, and the cutting, and the screaming, and the paining, and the potential-hip-breaking, and the whoo-ha-out-for-the-world-of-doctors-and-nurses-to-be-seeing, and the pushing, and the breathing, and the WHOLE birthing-doing is just not high up on my to-do list. In fact, it isn't even on it at all. It's actually on my "Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever do this EVER" list. Right along with sticking my hand in a bonfire and playing catch with a bee's nest.

3. Excremement
How do thy excrete? Let me count the ways! Poo, spit, spit-up, vomit, snot streams, snot bubbles, snot sprays, more poo, poop, pee, pee, and more pee. A friend has a 2 year old, and was babysitting an infant, and, over the course of maybe 8 hours...she was peed on twice. Twice! That's more than I want to ever be peed on in my life, let alone one day. Game over.

4. Volume Control
They don't have it.

5. Listening and Comprehension Skills.
They don't have it.

6. Patience.
I don't have it.

And that is why I will never have children.

What if I change my mind, you ask? In that highly unlikely scenario, I would adopt. Because I will probably be 65, and need someone to pay for my nursing home in ten years. Hey, you always gotta plan ahead.