"So I guess this is growing up."

I'm trying to buckle myself down and really dig. Dig for what I think will make me happy, dig for information, dig for job opportunities, dig, dig, dig. What I've unearthed from all this digging equals about the effort I've been putting into it in the first place, which isn't a lot.

I feel like I'm the press calling the law office of a lawyer that put away an innocent man, asking for comments. I'm really good at avoiding myself. I think I feel that if I'm questiong myself so deeply, probing my insides for what makes me tick, and what will truly make me feel satisfied in a job, that were I to come up with no answers...I would be at a complete and utter loss. So, clearly, it's better to avoid the whole issue, no answer is no answer, and this no answer makes me feel better than once coming after an intensive, self-inflicted, third degree.

What I know:

I hate phones.
I do much better with hands-on, creative work
I. do. not. do. well. with. stress.
I like flexibitlity in schedules.
I hate cubicles.
I want a job where I have nights and weekends off (unless it's some sort of fun social event/travelling).
I don't like working with the elderly (and the jury's still out on kids).
I like working behind-the-scenes.
I like fashion.
I like art.
I like clothes.
I like taking pictures.
I like shows.
I like working with my hands.
I like people.

To me, this all sort of points to theatre, fashion, and photography (and to some degree jewelry making). Any of which should land me back in school. But...I don't know I mentioned this already, but I really don't feel ready to jump back into the educational system again. Not yet, at least. So, what to do, what to do...

I arrive back at my most recent option: moving to Maine. I suppose staying in my current job is also an option, but I'd nearly rather pluck my eyes out of my skull, than stay here for another year or more til I'm "ready" to re-educate myself. I have always hated babysitting, and, more or less, that's what substitute teaching is. Glorified babysitting. Do-able for sure, but enjoyable? It would be nice to get away from home. And I love my aunt. I love her menagerie of animals, the mountains of books that cover her entire house. I think, more than the fear of not liking subbing, the fear of being int he middle of nowhere, the fear of making less money and still having those looming, leering loans hanging dangerously above me, more than anything, I'm afraid of leaving my mother.

I know. That probably sounds ridiculous. But quite honestly she is my best friend. We laugh, talk, she helps keep me calm and sane, and I really don't want to leave her. I don't know what to do without her. I know I did it in college, so I don't know what the problem is now. Maybe I am not sure what she'll so without me. Again, she did it when I was in college, so I don't know why I am now so concerned. What can I say? I love my mumma, and I know I'll miss her something awful.
You know, I never realized what a mama's girl I am. Yeesh!

Maybe I should talk to her about it. I don't know. I really don't know what to do. Do I really want this, or is it just that I want to leave my current job so badly? Do I not want to do this, or am I just afraid of leaving my home, my mother, and, essentially, growing up?


Sigh. No one said this would be easy...