I'm trying to buckle myself down and really dig. Dig for what I think will make me happy, dig for information, dig for job opportunities, dig, dig, dig. What I've unearthed from all this digging equals about the effort I've been putting into it in the first place, which isn't a lot.
I feel like I'm the press calling the law office of a lawyer that put away an innocent man, asking for comments. I'm really good at avoiding myself. I think I feel that if I'm questiong myself so deeply, probing my insides for what makes me tick, and what will truly make me feel satisfied in a job, that were I to come up with no answers...I would be at a complete and utter loss. So, clearly, it's better to avoid the whole issue, no answer is no answer, and this no answer makes me feel better than once coming after an intensive, self-inflicted, third degree.
What I know:
I hate phones.
I do much better with hands-on, creative work
I. do. not. do. well. with. stress.
I like flexibitlity in schedules.
I hate cubicles.
I want a job where I have nights and weekends off (unless it's some sort of fun social event/travelling).
I don't like working with the elderly (and the jury's still out on kids).
I like working behind-the-scenes.
I like fashion.
I like art.
I like clothes.
I like taking pictures.
I like shows.
I like working with my hands.
I like people.
To me, this all sort of points to theatre, fashion, and photography (and to some degree jewelry making). Any of which should land me back in school. But...I don't know I mentioned this already, but I really don't feel ready to jump back into the educational system again. Not yet, at least. So, what to do, what to do...
I arrive back at my most recent option: moving to Maine. I suppose staying in my current job is also an option, but I'd nearly rather pluck my eyes out of my skull, than stay here for another year or more til I'm "ready" to re-educate myself. I have always hated babysitting, and, more or less, that's what substitute teaching is. Glorified babysitting. Do-able for sure, but enjoyable? It would be nice to get away from home. And I love my aunt. I love her menagerie of animals, the mountains of books that cover her entire house. I think, more than the fear of not liking subbing, the fear of being int he middle of nowhere, the fear of making less money and still having those looming, leering loans hanging dangerously above me, more than anything, I'm afraid of leaving my mother.
I know. That probably sounds ridiculous. But quite honestly she is my best friend. We laugh, talk, she helps keep me calm and sane, and I really don't want to leave her. I don't know what to do without her. I know I did it in college, so I don't know what the problem is now. Maybe I am not sure what she'll so without me. Again, she did it when I was in college, so I don't know why I am now so concerned. What can I say? I love my mumma, and I know I'll miss her something awful.
You know, I never realized what a mama's girl I am. Yeesh!
Maybe I should talk to her about it. I don't know. I really don't know what to do. Do I really want this, or is it just that I want to leave my current job so badly? Do I not want to do this, or am I just afraid of leaving my home, my mother, and, essentially, growing up?
Sigh. No one said this would be easy...
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Hot for Teacher
As it turns out, finding out what you want to do with your life is actually really hard. I know I'm not married to whatever choice I make (and even if I were, divorce is always an option), but really...what is it that's going to make me happy?
I've done a little searching on Monster.com and Mediabistro.com and there isn't much at the moment that's grabbing me. There was one job on Monster.com for a jewelry making assistant. They said it was, as an assistant job, more administrative tasks than actually hands-on creative, but it would be a really great place to start and to learn. The only part really holding me back (besides experience, but I think if you sell yourself well enough, your excitement and willingness to learn can make up for a lot) was that it was in Rhode Island. I have nothing personal against the state, it would just mean an hour long commute every single day, two ways. Unless I moved. For some reason, though, moving to Seattle, WA is far more enticing than to Providence, RI, even though I would be farther away, and know fewer people.
On Mediabistro.com there was a job posted in Seattle that kind of interested me. It was for a publishing company, and would entail picking pictures out for different books and the like (I am assuming cover art?), as well as working with photographers, getting the best deals on photos, etc. I do love reading, and I would have to read each whatever-it-is in order to see what images would represent each whatever-it-is. It kind of sounded nice, and, as I mentioned, I am dying to go to Washington!
In many ways, though, I still don't feel ready for such a big move. I would know one, ONE person in WA. I would be all the way across the country from all of my family and friends, and that is enormously daunting. I already complain that my friends all live over an hour away from me, and though living with my family drives me crazy, I know I would miss them terribly.
My aunt, who lives in Maine, suggested I go live with her for awhile and substitute teach. When she was subbing, she got called to work pretty much every single day, so it's not like I'd be bumming around and making no money. And while most of my friends can see me teaching, I am not so convinced. It just doesn't really feel right. I would, however, love to have a sure thing so that I could leave my current job in the fall. And while I am reluctant to commit to it for a year, I feel like I could, in all honestly, handle it. Plus, were I to hate it to it's very core, I'm a substitute...I could just call them and say I wasn't available anymore, and move home. Simple. Then I would have a much better idea of whether or not teaching is for me, anyway.
I'm also a little hesitant about the move to middle-of-nowhere-Maine. Maine itself isn't necessarily "the middle of nowhere," but where my aunt is located...is. And her house is old, which is only a problem because it's, shall we say, spider ridden? When I visited her at the end of August/beginning of September, her front door had a massive web right above it. Hanging precariously in the web were, I kid you not, gigantic, bloody (think more British slang, less hemoglobic fluid) spiders. I didn't notice them at first, but once I did, I couldn't use that door anymore. Until my aunt took a blow torch to them, that is. But they were enormous. So enormous they are almost enough to prevent me from going back. Almost. Though, in going to Maine, I would be much farther away from my friends and family again. But...it'd be a nice introductory step, as Maine is most definitely closer than Washington state.
I think I will talk to my friend Vika about it. She has subbed before, and I want her take on it. I'll also talk to my Aunt Kit, and see what she has to say. "What's subbing like up there?", "Is it really that regular?", "How much do you get paid?" and then decide from there.
This opportunity would not only be experience, but it would help me potentially narrow the career option field, and also buy me more time to think about what it is that's going to make me happy.
And...I mean, having school vacation off doesn't suck, and would give me plenty of time to visit my family and friends back home.There's also the plus of getting out of work earlier in the day...sigh. I just don't know.
Talking first. Deciding later.
I'd finally be doing something different...that is the most attractive part of it all, isn't it, self?
Yes. Yes it, really is.
I've done a little searching on Monster.com and Mediabistro.com and there isn't much at the moment that's grabbing me. There was one job on Monster.com for a jewelry making assistant. They said it was, as an assistant job, more administrative tasks than actually hands-on creative, but it would be a really great place to start and to learn. The only part really holding me back (besides experience, but I think if you sell yourself well enough, your excitement and willingness to learn can make up for a lot) was that it was in Rhode Island. I have nothing personal against the state, it would just mean an hour long commute every single day, two ways. Unless I moved. For some reason, though, moving to Seattle, WA is far more enticing than to Providence, RI, even though I would be farther away, and know fewer people.
On Mediabistro.com there was a job posted in Seattle that kind of interested me. It was for a publishing company, and would entail picking pictures out for different books and the like (I am assuming cover art?), as well as working with photographers, getting the best deals on photos, etc. I do love reading, and I would have to read each whatever-it-is in order to see what images would represent each whatever-it-is. It kind of sounded nice, and, as I mentioned, I am dying to go to Washington!
In many ways, though, I still don't feel ready for such a big move. I would know one, ONE person in WA. I would be all the way across the country from all of my family and friends, and that is enormously daunting. I already complain that my friends all live over an hour away from me, and though living with my family drives me crazy, I know I would miss them terribly.
My aunt, who lives in Maine, suggested I go live with her for awhile and substitute teach. When she was subbing, she got called to work pretty much every single day, so it's not like I'd be bumming around and making no money. And while most of my friends can see me teaching, I am not so convinced. It just doesn't really feel right. I would, however, love to have a sure thing so that I could leave my current job in the fall. And while I am reluctant to commit to it for a year, I feel like I could, in all honestly, handle it. Plus, were I to hate it to it's very core, I'm a substitute...I could just call them and say I wasn't available anymore, and move home. Simple. Then I would have a much better idea of whether or not teaching is for me, anyway.
I'm also a little hesitant about the move to middle-of-nowhere-Maine. Maine itself isn't necessarily "the middle of nowhere," but where my aunt is located...is. And her house is old, which is only a problem because it's, shall we say, spider ridden? When I visited her at the end of August/beginning of September, her front door had a massive web right above it. Hanging precariously in the web were, I kid you not, gigantic, bloody (think more British slang, less hemoglobic fluid) spiders. I didn't notice them at first, but once I did, I couldn't use that door anymore. Until my aunt took a blow torch to them, that is. But they were enormous. So enormous they are almost enough to prevent me from going back. Almost. Though, in going to Maine, I would be much farther away from my friends and family again. But...it'd be a nice introductory step, as Maine is most definitely closer than Washington state.
I think I will talk to my friend Vika about it. She has subbed before, and I want her take on it. I'll also talk to my Aunt Kit, and see what she has to say. "What's subbing like up there?", "Is it really that regular?", "How much do you get paid?" and then decide from there.
This opportunity would not only be experience, but it would help me potentially narrow the career option field, and also buy me more time to think about what it is that's going to make me happy.
And...I mean, having school vacation off doesn't suck, and would give me plenty of time to visit my family and friends back home.There's also the plus of getting out of work earlier in the day...sigh. I just don't know.
Talking first. Deciding later.
I'd finally be doing something different...that is the most attractive part of it all, isn't it, self?
Yes. Yes it, really is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
