Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Bull riding and Nutella
Yesterday was a very rough, emotional day.
I've only ridden a mechanical bull once in my life, and I fell off when it wasn't even moving. Then the mechanical bull operator proceeded to make fun of this strange ability of mine to be thrown off violently while motionless. It was then that I vowed to never ride a mechanical bull again, lest I be taunted a second time. That's kind of what yesterday was like, only this bull was metaphoric, and represented my emotions.
I tried hanging onto that emotional bull for dear life, riding as it bucked and kicked (do bulls buck and kick?), in a manner not unlike the flailing, limb-whip-strip dance I do when there's a spider on me. Which, holy hell, that is scary.
Anyway, I tried to stay on, had several close calls, and then, when I actually realized everything was okay (this essentially being the "motionless" moment), I fell off the damn bull. I lost my grip and the tears they did fall...while at work...sitting in my closet-office...with my male co-worker. It was pretty. Pretty awesome.
Luckily he had his headphones in and I could stiffle my sniffles by tapping loudly on the keyboard, real official like.
So, after riding the bull all day, I was completely exhausted. I went home after work and basically spent a large amount of time doing this:
It was not one of my prouder moments, but it was one of my more delicious ones.
This actually reminds me of the book making class I took in college. For one project we had to create a book based on the theme "my tears taste like chocolate."
Clearly, my tears taste like Nutella.
I've only ridden a mechanical bull once in my life, and I fell off when it wasn't even moving. Then the mechanical bull operator proceeded to make fun of this strange ability of mine to be thrown off violently while motionless. It was then that I vowed to never ride a mechanical bull again, lest I be taunted a second time. That's kind of what yesterday was like, only this bull was metaphoric, and represented my emotions.
I tried hanging onto that emotional bull for dear life, riding as it bucked and kicked (do bulls buck and kick?), in a manner not unlike the flailing, limb-whip-strip dance I do when there's a spider on me. Which, holy hell, that is scary.
Anyway, I tried to stay on, had several close calls, and then, when I actually realized everything was okay (this essentially being the "motionless" moment), I fell off the damn bull. I lost my grip and the tears they did fall...while at work...sitting in my closet-office...with my male co-worker. It was pretty. Pretty awesome.
Luckily he had his headphones in and I could stiffle my sniffles by tapping loudly on the keyboard, real official like.
So, after riding the bull all day, I was completely exhausted. I went home after work and basically spent a large amount of time doing this:
This actually reminds me of the book making class I took in college. For one project we had to create a book based on the theme "my tears taste like chocolate."
Clearly, my tears taste like Nutella.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
A Kiss is Not a Contract
I was trolling facebook this morning, and on my newsfeed a guy friend had "liked" "10 Things Girls Should Never Say to Guys." Most were really just common sense, and if any woman says or asks any of the questions contained in the list, she kind of deserves an honest, face-punch answer.
For example, one of the questions was "Do you think she's pretty?" Guys dislike this question because they feel they can't win - say 'yes' your lady lover get's angry you found another female with a pulse and a face attractive. Don't you know she's the only female on the planet not effected by the ugly blite, which mangles the flesh of other women's faces and bodies at a catastrophic level upon your entering into a relationship with her. Uhm, duh. Pretty sure they had a special about that on 60 Minutes. Tivo it, gentlemen.
Then, if the guy says "no," she, being able to see beyond the ugly blite, can tell this woman is actually quite attractive and that you, sir, are a dirty liar. Lose, lose.
Alright, I don't know any women insecure enough to set themselves up like this, nor do I want to. But if there exists a woman, who feels the overpowering need to actually utter this ridiculous monstrosity out of her ruby lips...she deserves the verbal smack down she'll recieve when you emphatically say "Yes!" I mean, really ladies. Either you really hate yourself and like the pain, or you really like inflicting it on your man. Either way, may I suggest celibacy?
I grew curious, however, as to whether such a list exists instructing men what not to say to women.
Enter, AskMen.com.
I provide, here, their list, with my comments in parenthesis and italics. Enjoy:
Top 10: Things You Should Never Say To A Woman
There are plenty of articles out there telling you all the things you should say, so this time we've decided to tell you when to keep your trap shut.
By David DeAngelo, Relationship Correspondent
There are a lot of great -- and terrible -- articles written on “lines” to say to a woman, but what about what not to say? It is my opinion that many mistakes can be avoided by keeping your mouth closed. So, without further ado, here are the 10 things you should never say to a woman.
Page 2: Anything bad about her guy friends
One of the ways a woman marks a guy as “insecure” the fastest is if he starts dissing her guy friends, especially if he hasn’t met them and doesn’t know her very well. Here’s the deal: Even if they are more than friends, you are only making yourself look like you are scared of competition from them, which to a woman screams “insecurity.” Best to just keep your mouth shut when they are mentioned and focus on your game instead.
(This I find to be fairly true. If you start bad mouthing the other guys she knows, especially without ever meeting them, you just look like an insecure a-hole. Resist looking like an insecure a-hole. Unless you really ARE an insecure a-hole and then please let us know ASAP so we can run away, or fake our own death immediately)
Page 3: "I'll call you Friday"
Ending a phone conversation with a “next step” is a good technique if you’re trying to sell someone something, but not when you are talking to a woman. First of all, you are killing any spontaneity by being predictable. Second, you are also killing any chances of her calling you, as she has to now wait for your call or risk looking desperate. Not good.
(I guess this is pretty true. I'm sure you fellas don't want to look desparate either, so we have a mutual understanding here, yes? But dudes, don't overthink shit either. Just act natural and if you say "I'll call you tomorrow" it's really okay, just make sure you gd call her tomorrow! For chrissake be yourself and it'll all work out fine.)
Page 4: Anything that hints at a "future"
Often when guys are hanging out with a woman for the first time and she mentions something she likes or likes to do, a guy will use that as an opportunity to hint at a future date. For example, she might say she loves Thai food, so you say, “Wow, so do I. We should go get Thai food sometime.” Stop, stop, stop, stop! While this sounds good in theory, you must remember that women not only want but need a guy who is somewhat of a “challenge.” If partway through the first date you are talking about hanging out again and again and again, she knows that you are really into her, which means the game is over and she has won. Sure, it’s nice to connect with someone when you first hang out with them, and of course you should want to do some fun activities together, but don’t let her know that she has “won you over” too quickly or you’ll come off just like every other guy she’s gone out with that is ready to “put a ring on it” after date No. 1.
(Okay, this, to me, is kind of bullshit. Maybe I'm the freak woman that isn't looking for a "challenege," but so be it. I will wave my freak flag high for all the land to see. I hate games, I do not like to be kept guessing, and hard-to-get more often than not ends up being I-don't-give-enough-of-a-shit-to-fight-to-get-the-guy-who-doesn't-seem-to-want-to-be-gotten. It's a waste of time and energy. If you like Thai food too, awesome! Tell me! And sure, say, "Let's get some sometime!" That show's interest and that we have some things in common. Two very good things. Now, it's true, don't say that after EVERYTHING we say, or you look desparate for a date, or have no personality of your own. Don't be an over-agreeable puppy. Don't be an inaccessible douche. Got it?)
Page 5: "How many guys have you slept with?"
First of all, do you really want to know? Second of all, again you are showing insecurity, especially if you ask this in the beginning. Sure, if she asks you first, go ahead. But trust me, you don’t want to be the one to start this conversation. You can only lose.
(And do NOT tell us how many women you've slept with. Isn't this just common sense, though? And don't mention you exes, either. It'll send we-who-think-too-much into a self-doubt spiral and you will come out as the dude still in love with ex, or at least, like an a-hole again.)
Page 6: "I left you a message the other day, but didn’t hear back. What happened?"
This might be the most common mistake guys make after not hearing back from a woman, and while it sounds trivial, it is a big one. It took me a long time to figure out what to do when a woman didn’t return one of my messages, but I finally figured out it’s best to just ignore it and proceed as if it never happened. If you mention an un-returned message to a woman you are doing two things: 1. Showing that you care that she didn’t return it. (Hint: If you just met a woman it is too soon to care!); and 2. Giving her a guilt trip, which women see as insecurity.
(It's too soon to care that MUCH. Caring is good. Caring too much is bad. Stage 5 clinger. Unhealthy possessive and potentially obsessive. You will be extricated from her life faster than yesterday's garbage. Just sayin'.)
Page 7: "Do you like me?"
If I had to pick out a single phrase that shuts a woman’s attraction switch off permanently, this is it. Asking a woman a question like this is the opposite of being confident. So don’t ask, just assume she likes you, and go from there. I mean, hey, who wouldn’t?
(Alright. I didn't want to say it, but, this is somewhat true. Asking "Do you like me?" makes you sound like a woman. And insecure woman. Which reminds me again of "playing hard to get." That's a stupid game, because you don't show each other enough that you DO like each other, so both parties are left guessing. Who wants to have to guess? Show it, or you blow it. And guys, it's okay to wonder sometimes, us girls do too. But maybe...just don't verbalize it. Unless you don't know it because your lady is withholding and cold. Then, may I suggest getting out while the getting is good?)
Page 8: "What do you want to do tonight?"
There is a saying that a woman likes a “man with a plan,” and it is absolutely true. When you call a woman to hang out, make sure you have a game plan. Don’t put the burden on her or she won’t see you as the type of guy who can show her a good time.
(This I mostly disagree with. At times, yes, we want YOU to plan something, we want YOU to tell us what YOU would like to do. But we don't want to never be asked wither. We have an opinion, and if you never ask, and always tell, we will assume you're a nutty control freak and that is very unattractive. From experience, I hate it when a guy always makes me plan everything and never plans or suggests anything himself. It's gotta go both ways, or it's going to end up going nowhere)
Page 9: Anything about your car, job or house that sounds like you are trying to impress her
Do you know what kind of guys brag about their cars, jobs and houses to women? Well, the truth is a lot of different kinds of guys, but women put them all in one category: guys who have nothing else to offer. I’m serious, ask any attractive woman about this and she’ll agree. Sure, you may attract some women, but even those women will be far more impressed by your material possessions if you don't mention them in conversation.
(This is true. It's like you have nothing else to offer, are over-compensating, or are going to love all your little gadgets more than us. And we don't like that.)
Page 10: "Can I take you out on a date sometime?"
Similar to No. 1, a woman wants to be with a man who is a leader and in control, not someone who asks her permission to hit on her. Don’t ever ask a woman if you can take her out, just ask her out. But do it in a confident way. It can be as simple as saying, “We should hang out. What’s your number?” Or even telling her a specific place you want to take her: “Hey, let’s take a salsa lesson together, it will be fun!’
(This actually isn't that bad, guys. Yes, being confident and saying something like "I'd like to take you out sometime..." is good, asking isn't the end of the road. It shows you're respectful, not pushy, bossy, or an over-confident, self entitled prick. And nobody wants to be one of those.)
Page 11: "Can I kiss you?"
Ask any woman and she will tell you; a man should never “ask” for a kiss. Asking for a kiss goes against everything a woman is looking for in a man. You may as well just tell her right there that you are a boy. Her answer might be “yes” if she's being polite, but her attraction meter on the inside will read a firm, “no!”
(Again, this is respectful. Especially if it's a first date. This shows you recognize we're ladies, not five dollar hookers, that we have boundaries, and that you, respecting us, won't cross them. When you are in a full fleged relationship, or it's the second date and you were allowed to kiss her on the first date, I am going to go ahead and say it's safe to assume that, unless the second date was the most horrible experience either of you have ever been through in your entire lives and you set her hair on fire, you can probably kiss her.)
For example, one of the questions was "Do you think she's pretty?" Guys dislike this question because they feel they can't win - say 'yes' your lady lover get's angry you found another female with a pulse and a face attractive. Don't you know she's the only female on the planet not effected by the ugly blite, which mangles the flesh of other women's faces and bodies at a catastrophic level upon your entering into a relationship with her. Uhm, duh. Pretty sure they had a special about that on 60 Minutes. Tivo it, gentlemen.
Then, if the guy says "no," she, being able to see beyond the ugly blite, can tell this woman is actually quite attractive and that you, sir, are a dirty liar. Lose, lose.
Alright, I don't know any women insecure enough to set themselves up like this, nor do I want to. But if there exists a woman, who feels the overpowering need to actually utter this ridiculous monstrosity out of her ruby lips...she deserves the verbal smack down she'll recieve when you emphatically say "Yes!" I mean, really ladies. Either you really hate yourself and like the pain, or you really like inflicting it on your man. Either way, may I suggest celibacy?
I grew curious, however, as to whether such a list exists instructing men what not to say to women.
Enter, AskMen.com.
I provide, here, their list, with my comments in parenthesis and italics. Enjoy:
Top 10: Things You Should Never Say To A Woman
There are plenty of articles out there telling you all the things you should say, so this time we've decided to tell you when to keep your trap shut.
By David DeAngelo, Relationship Correspondent
There are a lot of great -- and terrible -- articles written on “lines” to say to a woman, but what about what not to say? It is my opinion that many mistakes can be avoided by keeping your mouth closed. So, without further ado, here are the 10 things you should never say to a woman.
Page 2: Anything bad about her guy friends
One of the ways a woman marks a guy as “insecure” the fastest is if he starts dissing her guy friends, especially if he hasn’t met them and doesn’t know her very well. Here’s the deal: Even if they are more than friends, you are only making yourself look like you are scared of competition from them, which to a woman screams “insecurity.” Best to just keep your mouth shut when they are mentioned and focus on your game instead.
(This I find to be fairly true. If you start bad mouthing the other guys she knows, especially without ever meeting them, you just look like an insecure a-hole. Resist looking like an insecure a-hole. Unless you really ARE an insecure a-hole and then please let us know ASAP so we can run away, or fake our own death immediately)
Page 3: "I'll call you Friday"
Ending a phone conversation with a “next step” is a good technique if you’re trying to sell someone something, but not when you are talking to a woman. First of all, you are killing any spontaneity by being predictable. Second, you are also killing any chances of her calling you, as she has to now wait for your call or risk looking desperate. Not good.
(I guess this is pretty true. I'm sure you fellas don't want to look desparate either, so we have a mutual understanding here, yes? But dudes, don't overthink shit either. Just act natural and if you say "I'll call you tomorrow" it's really okay, just make sure you gd call her tomorrow! For chrissake be yourself and it'll all work out fine.)
Page 4: Anything that hints at a "future"
Often when guys are hanging out with a woman for the first time and she mentions something she likes or likes to do, a guy will use that as an opportunity to hint at a future date. For example, she might say she loves Thai food, so you say, “Wow, so do I. We should go get Thai food sometime.” Stop, stop, stop, stop! While this sounds good in theory, you must remember that women not only want but need a guy who is somewhat of a “challenge.” If partway through the first date you are talking about hanging out again and again and again, she knows that you are really into her, which means the game is over and she has won. Sure, it’s nice to connect with someone when you first hang out with them, and of course you should want to do some fun activities together, but don’t let her know that she has “won you over” too quickly or you’ll come off just like every other guy she’s gone out with that is ready to “put a ring on it” after date No. 1.
(Okay, this, to me, is kind of bullshit. Maybe I'm the freak woman that isn't looking for a "challenege," but so be it. I will wave my freak flag high for all the land to see. I hate games, I do not like to be kept guessing, and hard-to-get more often than not ends up being I-don't-give-enough-of-a-shit-to-fight-to-get-the-guy-who-doesn't-seem-to-want-to-be-gotten. It's a waste of time and energy. If you like Thai food too, awesome! Tell me! And sure, say, "Let's get some sometime!" That show's interest and that we have some things in common. Two very good things. Now, it's true, don't say that after EVERYTHING we say, or you look desparate for a date, or have no personality of your own. Don't be an over-agreeable puppy. Don't be an inaccessible douche. Got it?)
Page 5: "How many guys have you slept with?"
First of all, do you really want to know? Second of all, again you are showing insecurity, especially if you ask this in the beginning. Sure, if she asks you first, go ahead. But trust me, you don’t want to be the one to start this conversation. You can only lose.
(And do NOT tell us how many women you've slept with. Isn't this just common sense, though? And don't mention you exes, either. It'll send we-who-think-too-much into a self-doubt spiral and you will come out as the dude still in love with ex, or at least, like an a-hole again.)
Page 6: "I left you a message the other day, but didn’t hear back. What happened?"
This might be the most common mistake guys make after not hearing back from a woman, and while it sounds trivial, it is a big one. It took me a long time to figure out what to do when a woman didn’t return one of my messages, but I finally figured out it’s best to just ignore it and proceed as if it never happened. If you mention an un-returned message to a woman you are doing two things: 1. Showing that you care that she didn’t return it. (Hint: If you just met a woman it is too soon to care!); and 2. Giving her a guilt trip, which women see as insecurity.
(It's too soon to care that MUCH. Caring is good. Caring too much is bad. Stage 5 clinger. Unhealthy possessive and potentially obsessive. You will be extricated from her life faster than yesterday's garbage. Just sayin'.)
Page 7: "Do you like me?"
If I had to pick out a single phrase that shuts a woman’s attraction switch off permanently, this is it. Asking a woman a question like this is the opposite of being confident. So don’t ask, just assume she likes you, and go from there. I mean, hey, who wouldn’t?
(Alright. I didn't want to say it, but, this is somewhat true. Asking "Do you like me?" makes you sound like a woman. And insecure woman. Which reminds me again of "playing hard to get." That's a stupid game, because you don't show each other enough that you DO like each other, so both parties are left guessing. Who wants to have to guess? Show it, or you blow it. And guys, it's okay to wonder sometimes, us girls do too. But maybe...just don't verbalize it. Unless you don't know it because your lady is withholding and cold. Then, may I suggest getting out while the getting is good?)
Page 8: "What do you want to do tonight?"
There is a saying that a woman likes a “man with a plan,” and it is absolutely true. When you call a woman to hang out, make sure you have a game plan. Don’t put the burden on her or she won’t see you as the type of guy who can show her a good time.
(This I mostly disagree with. At times, yes, we want YOU to plan something, we want YOU to tell us what YOU would like to do. But we don't want to never be asked wither. We have an opinion, and if you never ask, and always tell, we will assume you're a nutty control freak and that is very unattractive. From experience, I hate it when a guy always makes me plan everything and never plans or suggests anything himself. It's gotta go both ways, or it's going to end up going nowhere)
Page 9: Anything about your car, job or house that sounds like you are trying to impress her
Do you know what kind of guys brag about their cars, jobs and houses to women? Well, the truth is a lot of different kinds of guys, but women put them all in one category: guys who have nothing else to offer. I’m serious, ask any attractive woman about this and she’ll agree. Sure, you may attract some women, but even those women will be far more impressed by your material possessions if you don't mention them in conversation.
(This is true. It's like you have nothing else to offer, are over-compensating, or are going to love all your little gadgets more than us. And we don't like that.)
Page 10: "Can I take you out on a date sometime?"
Similar to No. 1, a woman wants to be with a man who is a leader and in control, not someone who asks her permission to hit on her. Don’t ever ask a woman if you can take her out, just ask her out. But do it in a confident way. It can be as simple as saying, “We should hang out. What’s your number?” Or even telling her a specific place you want to take her: “Hey, let’s take a salsa lesson together, it will be fun!’
(This actually isn't that bad, guys. Yes, being confident and saying something like "I'd like to take you out sometime..." is good, asking isn't the end of the road. It shows you're respectful, not pushy, bossy, or an over-confident, self entitled prick. And nobody wants to be one of those.)
Page 11: "Can I kiss you?"
Ask any woman and she will tell you; a man should never “ask” for a kiss. Asking for a kiss goes against everything a woman is looking for in a man. You may as well just tell her right there that you are a boy. Her answer might be “yes” if she's being polite, but her attraction meter on the inside will read a firm, “no!”
(Again, this is respectful. Especially if it's a first date. This shows you recognize we're ladies, not five dollar hookers, that we have boundaries, and that you, respecting us, won't cross them. When you are in a full fleged relationship, or it's the second date and you were allowed to kiss her on the first date, I am going to go ahead and say it's safe to assume that, unless the second date was the most horrible experience either of you have ever been through in your entire lives and you set her hair on fire, you can probably kiss her.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
